I wrote this from France, firmly in the grip of Hurricane Pierre; you know that level of thunder that literally blasts you from the bed clutching your genitals. And the wind! It was a gale I\u2019d only seen previously in North Atlantic submarine films. In an attempt to lighten the air I turned to the Mrs and said: \u201cIs it time for cocoa Number One?\u201d\u2026 Wherupon I was advised to \u2018Sod off\u2019 and make my own.<\/p>\n
I know when I\u2019m not wanted, and decided to go in search of diesel for the return trip (the boules tossing fuel saboteurs weren\u2019t going to halt my progress), and throwing on the John Mills duffle coat I stepped into the storm. But it wasn\u2019t the weather or the lack of cocoa that were to upset me that night; it was the lady at the petrol station.<\/p>\n
On realising that my credit card didn\u2019t work, rather than the usual Gallic shrug, Madame Gazole started to wave her arms about like Joe Cocker asking love to lift him up where he belongs. A violent tirade followed, during which she smoked two Disques Bleus, burped a cloud of garlic and lost a zip up slipper. And so to this month\u2019s topic \u2026\u2026 CUSTOMER CARE.<\/p>\n
Now we all know about the bad stuff, how not to do it: \u201cThank you for calling.We value your call, but by the time it is answered you will have grown a beard, lost most of your teeth and may well be dead. Should you get through you will speak to a no doubt lovely man called Jugdish, who will encourage you to entirely dismantle your computer, until the office floor resembles R2D2\u2019s grundy drawer \u2014 at this point you will be cut off. Please have a length of rope and some dynamite ready to enable immediate suicide.\u201d And if Britney tries to sell me one more water cooler\u2026 am I forgiven for imagining her with peroxide frazzled hair, three foot nail extensions and bright orange skin, fresh from two weeks in Tangolia?<\/p>\n
Customer care apparently is about \u2018putting systems in place to maximise your customer\u2019s satisfaction with your business\u2019. You don\u2019t say\u2026 but let\u2019s try and get some more detail. Clearly it\u2019s more relevant to some roles than others \u2014 receptionists and sales staff are at the sharp end on this one, and need to have both flossed and Listerined. But it\u2019s often as important in the warehouse; all our endeavours will be for nothing if Frank in dispatch leaves a half eaten pork pie in the shirt box.<\/p>\n
My new tie-wearing friend advises me that a huge range of factors can contribute to customer satisfaction, but here are some of the essentials a customer is likely to take into account:<\/p>\n
How well your product or service matches customer needs \u2014 sounds obvious, but I guess he means don\u2019t try and sell a big baggy heavy T-shirt to the Soho fashionistas \u2014 they\u2019re going to want something soft, light and easy on the nipple.<\/p>\n
The value for money you offer \u2014 I\u2019m not interpreting this as meaning cheap, I presume it just means you have to be able to turn to camera, smile, and say \u2018Because I\u2019m worth it\u2019.<\/p>\n
The efficiency and reliability in fulfilling orders \u2014 sounds even more obvious, but it does feel sometimes like you\u2019ve got more chance of two weeks in a snow bound pine lodge with Elle Macpherson, than getting a call back from a supplier.<\/p>\n
The professionalism, friendliness and expertise of your employees \u2014 does this mean don\u2019t employ a nasty bloke who arrives late, farts loudly and talks nonsense?<\/p>\n
How well you keep your customers informed \u2014 now he\u2019s got a point here. I don\u2019t mind getting messed around that much, as long as suppliers explain how and why they\u2019re going to do it \u2014 it\u2019s only cricket.<\/p>\n
Mr Shiny Shoes then went on to talk about understanding your customer \u2014 this can apparently be done by analysing: Their order history \u2014 they\u2019ve suddenly stopped buying hot pants \u2014 are they going commando? Keeping records ofcontact with your business \u2014 the only records I keep are by The Clash so I could be failing here.<\/p>\n
Direct feedback \u2014 if you ask them, most customers will tell you how they feel (sounds dangerous).<\/p>\n
Changes in the goods or services your competitors are supplying may tell you what your customer really wants \u2014 presumably he means it\u2019s time for cyber snooping.<\/p>\n
Feedback and referrals from non-competitive suppliers \u2014 I\u2019m not sure I know many of those but I get the picture.<\/p>\n
This all led to him banging on about then managing this customer information by establishing a customer care policy, which I just about survived, and then something about measuring sales renewal rates, average order fulfilment times, time taken from order to delivery, the volume of marketing material sent out and the number of damaged goods returned\u2026 I was hanging on by my teeth now, and then he hit me with it: \u201cYour customers and employees will be useful sources of information about the KPI\u2019s which best reflect customer service areas in your business\u201d\u2026 BANG, that was the elephant dart, put me in a dwarf outfit and call me Sleepy. Waking up on the floor with a crowd around me I thought, is there another way? Well there is of course, the Stephenson Customer Care Program. This advocates dismissing all the customers you don\u2019t give a flying rats about, and freeing up a load more time to really look after the lovely and the worthwhile. So if you sign up for this approach, who would be off the Christmas card list?<\/p>\n
Customers who are over-business like: \u201dWe\u2019re going to do business, and it\u2019s going to be big business, and my people will need to talk to your people about pencilling us in for a window\u201d. In my experience these characters usually go on to try and pay with their Mum\u2019s credit card.<\/p>\n
Detail Freaks: customers who want to know the weight the fabric will acquire in a light drizzle, and the distance from the bottom hem to the arm pit, allowing for a 3\u201d under arm hair tolerance \u2026. GOODBYE!<\/p>\n
Anyone who can\u2019t count the number of colours in a design \u2014 which gets rid of a good 50%.<\/p>\n
Characters who don\u2019t listen to the technical advice you give them, and then write to Crime Watch to complain that a litho transfer has more texture than a water based print \u2014 we told you Clown Boy.<\/p>\n
Absolutely anyone who tells you the correct amount for you to charge: \u201dNo you\u2019re wrong. You see T-shirts cost a pound, they just do, it\u2019s the law.\u201d Ask them what they do for a living and then lecture them at length about how to do their job better, being careful to sound clueless and arrogant.<\/p>\n
Suppliers of bog roll artwork in search of the Mona Lisa.<\/p>\n
Auto biographers \u2014 \u201cWell I\u2019ve always liked drawing in my spare time, farmyard scenes mainly, but it wasn\u2019t until Bob was made redundant at the power station that I had the money to start my own clothing range. I wouldn\u2019t have had the confidence, but my good friend Doris said you know what Rene, you could sell them, so\u2026\u201d May the Lord rescue me, any time now.<\/p>\n
Chisellers: customers who only pay just when they need to re-order; and anyone whose street name is Beat Box.<\/p>\n
If you are unable to do any of the above, may I suggest you keep a small note book of customer care comments you\u2019d like to make on your final day at the office\u2026\u2026\u201dNo your order isn\u2019t quite ready, I just need to connect the blue and the red wire, activate the alarm clock and then it\u2019ll be on a pre-9.30 for you, with TNT\u201d.<\/p>\n
Well that leaves me with two customers, but damn are they going to get cared for \u2014 you know who you are, assume the position and prepare to be loved!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Having been on the receiving end of some not-so-caring customer care, Paul Stephenson asks, how should we be doing it? I wrote this from France, firmly in the grip of Hurricane Pierre; you know that level of thunder that literally blasts you from the bed clutching your genitals. And the wind! It was a gale […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2160","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles-misc"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n