He\u2019s a little bit werrr, a little bit weyyyyy, a little bit arrrgggh \u2026 Paul Stephenson delves into the dodgier side of the printing industry and those practices best avoided<\/p>\n
I had my car serviced last week \u2014 I rarely enter main dealerships, but as I get older I sadly don\u2019t get my trousers taken down for a firm spanking that often, so I figured why not, how much can it hurt? The price of oils, plugs and filters left a bit of a red mark on the old nonsmiling cheeks, but the list of \u2018must do immediately\u2019 recommendations felt like a bad trip to Frau Buttstraffers School of Correction (just off Berwick Street).<\/p>\n
According to the bemused chuckle brother mechanic, a further two grand was required to avoid me causing a twelve car pile up as I left the forecourt. Having recently replaced my brakes the alarm bells rang. A second opinion was required, and I could do no better than visit a consultant known only in the trade as, The Reverend. This is a man who lives solely to work on my particular type of tricky engine; a man who sleeps alone in fire retardant pyjamas and styles his hair with Axlecream; a man who if he invited you for dinner, which he never will, would fry the fish in Castrol R, present the chips in a hub cap, and serve each calibrated pea with an adjustable spanner. He spends quality time alone in the gents with greasy old copies of Autocar \u2014 basically, he\u2019s frightening.<\/p>\n
He circled the vehicle, pumped her up on the ramp, and drained off some fluid. Sniffing it, I expected him to tell me it was a cheeky little red that had suffered from too much of the Dordogne wind, causing the grapes to sulk a little; but he remained silent.<\/p>\n
At one point he blew on her wishbone bushes, gently, like Ray Mears when he\u2019s trying to light a fire with a twig and some squirrel fluff, and then he listened for a full five minutes to something only audible to a really big eared dog. In due course he turned to me and said: \u201cThere is absolutely nothing wrong with this car. Your main dealer diagnosis is the result of a bonus system that rewards the least amount of mechanic\u2019s time spent on a vehicle, offset by the maximum amount of work found.\u201d Spok is alive and well and running a garage in Nottingham.<\/p>\n
Could it be that the main dealer had tried to tuck me over, roll me up and stitch my kippers? I hadn\u2019t felt that ripped off since a drug dealer tried to sell me a wine gum. And it got me to thinking, what are the dodges in our industry? The ducks the dives the woo\u2019s and the ooh \u2018ers? Shall we prod the beast, turn it over and inspect the seedy underbelly of print and embroidery? A little perhaps… while stressing that the following are never used by the majority of up standing and church going like myself \u2014 I\u2019ve got a Blue Peter badge for God\u2019s sake. If you\u2019re wondering who actually made those Christmas decorations out of coat hangers tinsel and real candles, the one\u2019s that burnt down the nursing home, look no further!<\/p>\n
There\u2019s the one screen per film ploy. You know the drill, when customers are told that their postage stamp size artwork will need an A3 screen all to itself which must be charged for accordingly \u2014 tell that to 10 people, cram all the films onto one screen and hey poncho, ten times the profit \u2014 Harry Grout would have loved it. And in the same blue vein that threads the stinky cheese of print, each design will need its own film, won\u2019t it? You wouldn\u2019t put four left breast size designs onto one A4 film would you, all nice and composite like, and then charge each one out separately? Good Lord no, I\u2019m sure it\u2019s only ever been dreamt of Mr MacKay.<\/p>\n
What about Flash Whites \u2014 was he mates with Flash Harry? Sometimes you need \u2018em, but let\u2019s be honest me scurvy swabs, sometimes you don\u2019t. And if you do get away with just one white and a touch of expanding base, you don\u2019t charge for that extra white do you boys, no no, never been done.<\/p>\n
Let us also not forget the ridiculous technical explanation. I actually heard a printer once explain bad registration away by blaming a rogue batch of ink \u2014 apparently the molecules in the plasticizing agent were vibrating excessively. And did I ever tell you about the time that Claudia Schiffer was making a cake at my place, when her scanty blouse was ripped off by the blender and she began kneading her breasts like a baker with a rush order? It\u2019s about as close to the truth. And that\u2019s just print \u2014 I wonder what the Terry Thomas Embroidery Company get up to \u2014 you don\u2019t think they ever tell you it\u2019s a 30,000 stitch design and then digitize it with 30 do you \u2014 could that be why some logos look about as threadbare as a rug in a knocking shop? But in the Printer\u2019s Criminal Almanac there is one crime listed above all: the inability to take it on the chin. When the wrong print colour has been used, on the wrong shirt, for the wrong customer, as has or will happen to us all, there are those who stand up and are counted, replace the garms, re-print or be damned sir \u2014 the kind of printer you\u2019d have wanted with you at Rorke\u2019s Drift. And then there are those who make excuses: \u201cYou never said you wanted that colour \u2026 well I can\u2019t see an email and anyway you can\u2019t prove they\u2019re the wrong garments and it was my day off and I\u2019m on 15 different kinds of tablets you know and…\u201d Those who drink alone, and skulk in dark doorways to avoid the light of honesty.<\/p>\n
You might be forgiven for thinking that with my pedigree at some point I have been guilty of one or more of the above crimes, but I\u2019ll put my hand on the Holy Pantones, swear an oath to the contrary and meet any man with a Krebs gun at dawn who says otherwise \u2014 I might be able to get you a container load of fire damaged woks, but print my brothers and sisters, is and forever shall be sacred. Amen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
He\u2019s a little bit werrr, a little bit weyyyyy, a little bit arrrgggh \u2026 Paul Stephenson delves into the dodgier side of the printing industry and those practices best avoided I had my car serviced last week \u2014 I rarely enter main dealerships, but as I get older I sadly don\u2019t get my trousers taken […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2162","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles-misc"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n